May 11 2023
I think I'll get all the negative stuff out of the way first. Well, no surprise, I felt dumb again. I know, I say that a lot. A lot. A LOT.
But hey, isn't the point of a journal to just write what you're thinking? I think I've kind of been writing for "other people", not for myself! This is a journal, not an autobiography to be published to the world. I think I care too much about what others think.
But anyways, I saw a video I thought was really edgy but I felt close minded afterwards. Maybe you've seen it. It was an animation of a girl with a sword being stuck "inside" of her, and I think also with her urinating on it.
Everyone in the comment section could see the "story" behind it! I couldn't! I wasn't able to deeply analyze it like everyone else. I just couldn't do it. It made me feel like the outlier, and that they would not like me for my thoughts on the video. They were all like "I support you and your mental health." Why do I hate hearing such words? "Mental health" annoys me too. I believe in mental disorders, but I guess the word has been thrown around so much, at least to me.
I once had a passing thought, where I thought that people would not like the real me. These opinions and thoughts are the real me.
I also kind of felt like a loser today. Also, while driving, I kind of felt inclined toward dying, but not in a "suicidal" way. I was listening to ECCOと悪寒ダイビング by Macintosh Plus (Vektroid), and I think it made me start thinking about the afterlife, again. Reincarnation, too. I don't think I want to reincarnate, I don't want to risk being someone I wouldn't want to be. It sounds close-minded and hateful, but isn't there a kind of person you wouldn't want to be? Maybe it's more hateful and close-minded for me.
I'd rather stay a spirit, if they exist. I think a tiny little bit of me regrets being me. Saying "tiny little bit" before saying "I regret being me" is ironic. Maybe that says something about how I really feel, if I really do regret being me or if it's fake.
But other than all this, I've felt pretty alright lately. I don't want to go back to the past as much, but I think I still do. Y'know, I think I want to want to go back to the past, which probably sounds stupid as hell, especially to anyone who might have depression or another disorder. I'm sorry.
I looked at the tall grass while I was driving, and I thought: in a way, the grass is the past. The same grass was there back then, and it's still here today. Same for the trees.
This thought, of course, isn't enough to really make me feel better about wanting to go back to the past, but I guess it can give a little bit of peace.
I'm pretty sure part of me also believes that I actually can go back to the past, like I managed to convince a part of me that it's possible.