May 6 2023
Someone unfollowed me (WAIT! Bear with me!) and this made me feel a little sad BUT WAIT! I'm not "angry", I just worry if this says something about me. Maybe it was something I said, maybe the things I say are bad and ridiculous, but oh well, I should just continue on.
All of a sudden, all my website updates were being shown on my profile. I really didn't like this, because I want to add a little bit of "privacy" to my website, even though it's open to the public. Plus, secret pages were being exposed. I had the crazy idea that neocities was against me and was forcing me to show my updates or something, or maybe that someone reported me. It sounds ridiculous, crazy, and paranoid. So I disabled my profile.
Anyways, I've been having a little bit of trouble with making music. I just can't make anything satisfactory! I made a slushwave track recently, but it wasn't exactly what I wanted. Before that, I kept trying to make a certain kind of music, but I just couldn't. It just was not working. So, I decided to just go with the flow and make whatever I felt like making and to just "make", whatever it is that I may make. Maybe it'll end up being drum and bass, or slushwave, or ambient.
I've felt like giving up a little. Whenever I can't think straight and clearly about something, I feel like stopping and forgetting about it. It sounds pathetic, yeah. I feel bad right now. I feel horrible. I feel low. I feel like giving up on the future. I think part of me feels like things won't work out for me, and it makes me feel scared of the future. If only, if only I didn't do what I did in the past, things would be much better right now. Much better.
Well, at least this entry wasn't so negative and sad (I re-read it, how could I have forgotten the paragraph above? It does have negativity in it. Come on, do I have to feel like an idiot?), so maybe I should pat myself on the back for that. I really want to just say what upsetting things I'm thinking and feeling right now, but I feel like I must end this journal on a positive note. Aren't you supposed to voice everything you're thinking and feeling in a journal, though?
Things just feel sad right now, like today is a sad Saturday. Sadder-day.
Great, I feel like a sensitive crybaby for people saying stuff about fat people. I just KNOW I'd be laughed at and ridiculed for this. Come on, dude, I was already feeling pretty upset, now I feel sensitive.
I don't know if I can end this journal entry on a positive note, I don't think I can. Maybe that's fine, though. I think I should stop here.
One last thing. I clicked on the websites page of neocities and went to the very last page to see what was there. I found a website supporting lolicons. On the profile was someone who commented "die" for the website creator.
Guess what? Stupid opinion ahead, I didn't really like how they told them to die. I don't support lolicons (now please bear with me, man) but I don't hate them either, I'm indifferent. I can't say anything about it. What's weird is I think in the past I used to think "yeah, they're depictions of little kids, even if they're not real."
Man, I wonder if this is moral decay. I wonder if my morals are decaying. I am supposed to be weirded out by that lolicon stuff. What's with me? Holy shit dude, this is going to taint this website. This website might as well be tainted by what I just said, like it's all going to be overshadowed by this.
I expect myself to dislike myself for this. I think I am lowly, now. I don't know if I can emphasize it enough. What do I say, now? What? I feel like there is something to be said in my head, but I don't know. What do I say, now?
I am not sure if I should end this positively, now that I said what I said above about lolicon. Christ, dude. I think I look at myself differently, now.
This is probably going to haunt me for a good portion of the day. I may not forget about it for a while.
What am I going to do now? I feel like I don't deserve any fun, like music or writing.