March 19 2023

---

I can’t help but feel so dumb. Jokes aren’t the same to me anymore, I have to think extra hard to even begin to understand a lot of jokes. Everyone else seems to be able to think well, come to good conclusions, and analyze whatever they read, hear or see, but I can only look at things. And it seems to all be the fault of that shitty drug that deserves no place on earth. I wish it never existed.

Earlier ago this morning, I think I felt dissatisfied with my life. I know I live in a good country and have the luxury of having my father pay for my college fees, but that’s separate from this issue I’m dealing with, and I hope nobody ever tells me something like “there are people in Africa who are suffering.” Yeah, I know.

The world doesn’t seem the same to me anymore because of this mind that I have now.

I feel stupid for nearly everything about myself.

I even have screwed up thoughts and attitudes towards things like teenage mental health. I don’t know why, but hearing that just bothers me. I even get annoyed when I hear about others and their traumas from childhood abuse. Maybe I get annoyed because I think of certain aesthetics like “tramaucore” or “weirdcore”, so maybe it’s not the trauma itself that annoys me. Still, I sometimes feel like I’m a bad, stupid and close-minded person for feeling annoyed and I imagine others would dislike me for it, and that makes me feel bad. I can imagine some teenage girl on the internet being an asshole to me about it and mocking me.

Earlier, I thought about how in the Quran, there is something about judgement day. I kind of wished for judgement day to happen soon so that I could have this life end. I’m not suicidal, and probably not even passively suicidal, but I guess a very small part of me wants to “move on.”

11:31 AM