June 15 2023
I wanna get my thoughts out and I want to make this journal entry quick.
Well, I feel like a stupid close-minded retarded moron. I'm sorry for being so harsh on myself and calling myself these names. I feel like I must call myself these things to punish myself for being close-minded, like I have to "balance" things out, as I mentioned in my previous journal entry.
What happened was I saw some comment section about people saying therapy doesn't work and that it's a scam. Well, I couldn't help but disagree. I got irritated and annoyed, not really "angry" (I hope I wasn't angry, I feel like I can't say I wasn't angry and that I have to put in some doubt, cause if I say I wasn't angry, then it sounds like I'm trying to make myself look better).
Dude... I even felt compelled to look at the profile pictures of these people. Isn't that a great sign of idiocy or close-mindedness? Ad-hominem, or whatever, I think.
I was also making a music video for one of my songs, but now I feel like I don't deserve to after being close-minded. I feel like I have to do something to "neutralize" what I did, to make things "even" again, or whatever. Even between me and who? No one. I even added "not very smart, maybe, probably close-minded" to my YouTube channel description.
I did that because what if people look at my videos and say "hey this guy's videos are cool, he must be a cool guy" but they don't know what stupid reactions and thoughts I can have, like the ones I talked about above. I imagine they'd dislike me if they fully knew me.
A thought went through my head, where I thought that they probably wouldn't care if I died. I'm not sure how else to describe what I'm feeling / thinking in my head right now, so I'll end this paragraph here. Well, I guess my family would definitely care if I died.
I even have a glass bottle of cream soda, and when you pair that with how close-minded I was, one would probably use it against me: "haha close-minded loser drinking soda in his basement."
Now, I don't think someone would fully understand if I explained all of this them. They weren't "me" when I saw those comments, they didn't experience the irritation I had, so they can't fully understand. I'd like them to, though.
I think my attention span is shit, too. I'm probably gonna start isolating myself from whatever YouTube videos I may disagree with AND I know that sounds incredibly close-minded, but I just don't want to end up acting close-minded and stupid like a fucking retard, who can't listen to opposing viewpoints. I absolutely lose it when I feel this way.
Hell, I don't even feel like I deserve to go on a cool walk with cool music outside and enjoy the weather.