June 11 2023
Hi, I haven't made a journal entry in quite a while. I felt like I needed to make one real quick because of what I'm feeling right now, so here I am. I'll get right into it.
Y'know the whole "backrooms" thing? It's been around for a while, including "liminal spaces", but I can't help but feel so annoyed at all of it. I can't fully describe the annoyance.
Next, I felt like I needed validation for this dislike. I also felt pretty close-minded, like I wanted to just ignore all the opposing viewpoints. Hell, as if I could understand the opposing viewpoints... seriously, I literally couldn't wrap my damn brain around other people's opinions. Really, I couldn't. I couldn't even understand it. I'm sure they made sense, but I guess my brain just couldn't grasp it.
Then, I came across a YouTube video essay about not wanting to exist. Yeah, I felt annoyed. Now, I guess I've experienced that feeling, too. Of course, I probably wouldn't have been able to understand the video. Besides, one of the comments said it was a greatly intellectual analysis, or whatever. Sounds like something out of my reach.
Whenever I get annoyed and feel close-minded regarding these kinds of things, or actually any thing, I feel like I have to punish myself by calling myself stupid or retarded. It's like I have to "balance" things out and receive some payback. I wanted to keep listening to this song I like, but I didn't feel like I deserved to. I wanted to continue writing this little story, but I didn't feel like I deserved to. So, I stopped and decided to write this entry instead. I figured that I'd be able to get rid of the undeserving feelings by writing this entry, maybe it'll work?
Now some people might say "dude you simply got annoyed at it, nothing to worry about, you're not close-minded" but they probably don't fully get it. If I could fully explain it, then maybe they'd agree and say "yeah you have a problem." That'd hurt to hear, but oh well.
Also, I've been struggling to make music. I managed to make something yesterday, but it wasn't really satisfactory. I guess it still sounds nice, though.
I'm sorry I had to come back with a sad, negative entry. I've actually been feeling alright lately, though sometimes I feel like a loser. Right there, I thought "do I even deserve to feel alright with how ignorant and close-minded I can be?"
People may say to be positive, but I think I feel like I do not deserve to feel positive with the close-mindedness and ignorance I think I have. I think I kind of want death to come early so I can go to the afterlife (if it exists). Sometimes I read about reincarnation on Quora, and there's this guy named Richard Martini. I've read from him, and possibly others, that we get to choose who we reincarnate as, and that we even get to choose not to reincarnate. Who knows, maybe it's true, but I still read about to try and feed my wish not to reincarnate and stay a "spirit" (if they exist).
I guess I will try to end this journal entry on a positive, if not, neutral note. Maybe this will work?