July 30 2023


Today I started by helping my dad replace some wood planks in a deck. It was pretty hot outside so I sweated quite a bit, but that wasn't as annoying as constantly feeling the heat. I kept getting irritated with him which made me feel stupid and immature, but I calmed down for the last half of the job. I guess it was productive.

I started driving a lot while listening to Baroque by Yabujin. I only just discovered him after thinking about a friend in the RPC discord kept saying stuff about Yabujin, and only just recently did I start to become curious about Yabujin. Anyways, Baroque, really cool song. I didn't think about any of those "types of girls", I just enjoyed the music and thought of nothing else, like how it should be.

When I read the comments for Surgeon Dogma, one person said "I imagine the owner of this channel being a beautiful person." I though they meant beautiful as in a very good person. This made me feel kind of bad, made me think about how I'm probably not a very good person. I tried to think about how I could be a way worse person, but I don't think that helped too much.

While driving, I started to think about how I don't really own anything, even though I'm nineteen. The car I drive, it really belongs to me dad, he bought it. My phone, it was bought by my dad, so it's not really mine (I did make a claim for a new phone and ended up paying my dad back with my money, so I guess it's mine? I still don't want to say it's mine). It's even under his plan, so the cellular data isn't mine either. The house I live in is of course not mine.

After thinking about that, I thought "wow, I'm kind of nothing." He likes to say that the house mine though, because he will soon pass it down to me once he leaves. He wants me to inherit his real estate business, but I don't know if I'm interested in real estate, or even any sort of business. He's probably fine with me not inheriting it, I guess it'll just go to a management company.

My dad's a good person. From what I've heard from him, he's lived a pretty eventful life. He started out as a poor boy in Afghanistan, started working at the University of Kabul, soon worked for the United Nations, moved to New York, went to Africa for the United Nations, and a bunch of other stuff that all lead up to him being self-made.

Yeah, I'm a "rich kid", but it's not like I chose to be born that way. I simply happened to be born to a wealthy person, not my fault.



Back to what I was saying about my drive, near the end of the drive, I started to feel bad, like something wasn't right. Almost felt like I did something wrong. Then I started talking with my sister when I got back home. I then felt pretty bad. I didn't feel sick or anything like malaise. I think my mood simply experienced a dip.

Eventually, I scrolled through YouTube and just kept feeling annoyed at the thumbnails and stuff. To be honest, now that I look back on it, it wasn't that bad. Maybe seeing all these video essays makes me feel like an idiot and that people are just getting smarter and more knowledgeabl while I'm just sitting there, falling behind. I'm not too sure why I get annoyed at video essays. Maybe it's not the video essays themselves. I probably sound like an idiot, don't I?

I also saw some dude with anime stickers on his car. Yeah, yeah, bothered me just a tiny bit but I instantly forgot about it. Makes me kind of think about how there are likely people in my area who at least know Blank Banshee. There's probably a handful of them. Who knows, maybe someone has recognized the Blank Banshee stuff I sometimes sport?



While driving, I think I also felt pretty unattractive. I don't think my face is too bad, but I just feel like I'm not very good-looking. I did cut my hair short a while ago because drugs stay in hair forever (I think?), and I just wanted to get rid of all that. I wasn't expecting a drug test or anything, I just felt so regretful over doing marijuana at a young age that I didn't want it near me. I also had delusions about ingesting THC somehow through my hair. My hair used to be pretty long, down to a bit above my collarbone. I used to part it down the middle which made it look pretty cool. Now it's like a dump of hair on my head or something.

Even after it does grow back, I'll probably end up thinking I'm nothing but a pretty face; attractive but dumb. Sorry, I don't mean to sound vain when I call myself attractive. Then why did I call myself attractive? I hope you know what I mean. I guess I can't imagine a girl staying with me after realizing what I'm really like.

They might try to have some high-level conversation with me about Nietzsche, only to realize I don't know jackshit! They might try to talk about politics, only to realize I don't know jackshit! They might realize I have a dumb dislike for pop psychology like Psych2Go or something. Is that even pop psychology? I guess just the psychology trend, if that's even real. Maybe someone knows what I'm trying to talk about?



This is a unique entry, I think. A good break from ranting about e-girls. I feel kind of better, I think. I'm gonna go write my RPC for the upcoming contest. I don't think there's much time left until the deadline, they only said August. AUGUST, FUCK! Alright, nevermind it's until August 25th, so I have a good amount of time. Maybe I'll link it on my site?