July 23 2023
Feeling very stupid. Very stupid. I just heard an SCP-939 player repeating my voice, and I didn't like hearing my own voice. I guess I felt grossed out by my own voice. Not by the sound of it, more like the fact that the voice is coming from me.
I got some suggestions for songs by this artist named Yabujin. The first song I clicked on immediately made me think of the one thing that I seem to ALWAYS write about to the point where it must be nauseating for anyone reading these entries. The song kind of sounded like a hyper-pop song, and hyper-pop just makes me think of those kinds of girls. Some other genres do that, too.
I said to the guy who gave me suggestions "I know exactly what kind of woman would like this", and he said "I don't think of women when I listen to music". I thought, maybe this guy doesn't like me anymore and thinks I'm annoying for what I said. I thought to myself "man, I'm pathetic dude". I mean, wearing just boxers and a shirt, sitting weird on my chair in front of my computer playing SCP Secret Laboratory, all while being a close-minded idiot who hates on e-girls and looks at people's profile pictures to hate on them. It's like I'm mentally sixteen. Don't you think that sounds like a loser? Maybe if I was a smarter person, it wouldn't be so bad.
He is right though. Music is supposed to be enjoyed. Who cares about these girls? Forget them and just listen to music.
I think I wish I was someone else. Even better, an alternate, better version of myself. I think a small little part of me right now hopes for death to come soon. It'd be like hitting the reset button. Maybe then, I could be better. Listening to Chalice of Mind while feeling these things I wrote about here makes suicide come to mind, specifically by overdosing.
If reincarnation is what comes after death, I just hope I don't reincarnate into a bad person. I wouldn't want to be reincarnate into someone I wouldn't want to be (god forbid I enjoy internet memes, some are okay though, and god forbid I be a... you know what).
I don't know what exactly to do right now. Going on a walk doesn't sound appealing. Drawing, maybe. Making music, I don't think so. I don't wanna just go take a nap, either. What am I supposed to do, just stay still until this subsides? I think I see myself failing in life. I felt tempted to go to my YouTube channel and change the description to something like "unlikeable person" or something, but that would seem attention-seeking.
Looking at Yabujin and how cool he looked made me want to be a different person. He just seems so cool.
Update: Starting to feel a bit better. Maybe I'm not so bad?