July 18 2023
Hello. I haven't posted an entry here in a while. I can happily say that I left work today feeling like a stupid person, and it only got worse from there. It wasn't even anything that happened at work, it was just me going off to myself about how much I hate e-girls (especially the ones with an OnlyFans). That and being annoyed at how a lot of people would get high and have tons of sex if the world was going to end tomorrow. I don't know about you, but I think I'd rather drive somewhere far away and go on a walk while listening to music while waiting for the world to end.
So, I found a couple of r/unpopularopinion posts from people who share my opinion on e-girls. Found quite a few comments that disagreed, but the arguments they made were just above my mind. The thinking they put into their arguments probably wasn't even hard for them, they probably just used a little bit of brainpower to make their well-made arguments. I could only ever say a small comment.
Well, it got worse when I got home to my dad's house. I felt like I was just a loser, but then again, I'm only nineteen. It's not like I'm gonna be winning Nobel Prize awards, or doing ground-breaking research. I don't even have my degree yet.
It's like I sometimes say: my thoughts and opinions are like boomerangs. I throw them out by expressing them, they fly around in the air for a bit, then they come back and hit me in the face, making me feel like an idiot for them. Those e-girls that I complain about so much? They're probably smarter. They probably talk about higher issues like, I don't know, taxes, or the economy, or whatever. Probably more open-minded, too, whereas I'm just here with my simple mind.
I can't even listen to other viewpoints. Maybe I can, but I just get annoyed by opposing viewpoints when they're in the form of a Reddit comment that sounds asshole-ish. It also seems like I can't even UNDERSTAND opposing viewpoints, making me effectively fucked.
It got so bad I started to cry and feel bad. I wasn't crying over the e-girls (used to do that because of how annoyed I was by them... yeah, I know, laugh at me), I was crying over how stupid I felt. Over how stupid I have to be. It's like my IQ is 90, while everyone else my age has an average IQ of 130 or some impressive shit like that.
I was trying to take notes for one of my online courses, but I couldn't. I felt discouraged by reading stuff I couldn't understand, and it had to have been easy stuff for the average student.
My wits and creativity, and perhaps open-mindedness, it's like it all got taken away from that stupid, retarded drug. Why couldn't I have at least done it at the age of 25 or 26? It would've been way more safer. I almost felt like wanting to die, again, because dying would be like pushing the reset button; all the mistakes get wiped away. All the negative things about you get wiped away.
I talked about how it doesn't matter if you look cool, or if you can draw really well, or if you make music, or if you write. None of that matters when you're stupid and close-minded. Doesn't matter at all. It all gets overshadowed by your simple mind. No one cares about that stuff anymore. They may look at your drawings and think they look good, but they'll know they came from a close-minded, simple-minded person.
This reminded me of some Reddit post where women talked about their experiences dating dumb guys. It seemed like quite a few of the comments were just "hot sex" or some stupid shit like that. That's all you remembered about them? Not them being nice or sweet or whatever? Were they fucking abusive or something? I said to myself "those comments made me sick".
Didn't help that I also thought about how "smart is sexy". People talking about how they find intelligence attractive just pisses me off for some reason. It's just so annoying. Reddit posts are already annoying enough, I mean just go on r/offmychest or r/trueoffmychest and you'll see shitty posts that are literally just "sex" because, oh, well, sex, y'know?
I think I can go back to taking notes now, because now I think I feel maybe a little bit better. Well, I don't know. I just wish I was smart, dude. That's all. Being stupid is a nightmare.
Maybe I shouldn't end this entry with such negativity. I guess I feel a bit better. Maybe. I don't know, I just don't know. Maybe I'll just go for a walk after I'm done with notes. I don't know if I even deserve to go on a nice walk with music, but you know what? I'll just do it anyways.