August 5 2023 - 02

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I absolutely despise feeling stupid. No, I despise BEING stupid. I mean legitimately stupid. Low IQ. This lump in my throat sensation feels really painful.

It’s so painful to think about being a dumb fucking retard while everyone else is like a genius.

And no, it’s not depression, I’m just dumb. That’s all there is to it. Who the hell wants to date a dumb person? Nobody! No girl wants a dumb guy, they all want smart guys who can “intellectually stimulate” them or some bullshit like that. I hate it when people say “intelligence is sexy”, it’s so annoying and I bet I sound like an absolute retarded, dumbass, fuckhead moron for saying that.

I feel pathetic for feeling like crying, which is why I’m trying to suppress it. I didn’t even want to look at myself in the mirror.

It’s like I tend to struggle to understand any complex sentence while others get it right away.

I thought about my music, but so what? My music isn’t gonna get my anywhere in life. It’s just music. My drawings wont do anything either, they’re just drawings. They don’t really matter. Maybe you might they’re beautiful or something, but is it gonna get me a degree or some shit? A degree in what, art? Art? I’m just spewing nonsense here.

I calmed down after letting it out. I think I’ll just nap until I have to work. Maybe I was too hard on myself. I still worry that a girl would leave me for a smarter person.

But right now, I’ll just take a nap.

Yeah, forget that. I still cried AGAIN. Twice. I feel like I’m way too stupid for a girlfriend. Just go on Reddit, and you’ll find stories of people leaving partners for being stupid. My music doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter when you’re stupid. It doesn’t. My drawings don’t matter either. Neither do the stories that I write. They’re just things. Just things.

Would I even fare well if I managed to find a girlfriend who likes me? I probably wouldn’t even be romantic and all lovey towards them. Whatever. I’ll just conclude this entry and be done with it.