August 1 2023 - 02
Still feeling like a moron, and maybe a little bit of a loser. I'm listening to some of my older tracks (they aren't that old, at least a year old), and I think it makes me feel kind of sad. It seems like I just can't make good music anymore, or music that isn't good enough. These old tracks sound so nice, but I don't think I can appreciate how well of a job I did with them because I feel like I can't do that kind of stuff anymore. I guess my brain just isn't the same anymore, like it's falling apart or something.
Before I was going to shower today, I wondered if I may as well just die if I'm an idiot. I guess dying would kind of be like hitting the reset button, as I've said before. I guess it'd be like wiping the harddrive. I'm not suicidal, probably not even that passively suicidal, if I am at all. I wonder, would I let myself die if I had the chance? If I was bleeding profusely and I would certainly die if I didn't seek out help, would I let it happen?
I saw this other website where the author spoke about different paths after death, such as reincarnation versus simply just being gone; blackness. Now that I think about it, I guess I liked reading it. Well, it was more like I skimmed it. Hopefully I'll find it again - nevermind, I just remembered the name, it was burntangel.
What made me feel dumb was how I had trouble visualizing an occluded front. I know that it's where the cold air mass touches a cooler air mass and cuts off warm air from the surface, but I really wanted to animate it accurately in my head. I visualize a lot, I guess, but a lot of people probably do that. I think most people are visual learners, and that probably includes me.
I just had a feeling about how I am nineteen. I don't know if I like being nineteen. Eugh, it's just odd. I don't know how to describe it. A brief, maybe involuntary thought popped into my head. It was something like "can we get this over with?" and the thought was regarding life.
Should I change the background for the journal pages and make it a little bit darker so that it doesn't clash with the text? That would mean having to edit each and every single journal page. I guess that's what I get for not making a CSS style for all of them to use.