April 30 2023
I think the world would fucking hate me for who I am and what I dislike and what my reactions are, I just know it. They'd call me all sorts of things cause they're fucking jackasses. I'm not saying I'm a saint, because I'm not. I sometimes say some things to people but I never say anything terrible. I never actually call them anything bad, the worst I could ever say to someone over the internet is something like "I don't like you're username" with an intention to express how I think someone's username is unfunny, and even then I don't do it that much. I only ever call them things in my head, because I don't actually want to call anyone anything, but I guess it's a different story for everyone else. Again, I'm not saying I'm a saint.
I'm sorry to swear and say the f-word a lot. I'm not really a fan of swearing, but I'm very upset right now, so please bear with me.
Why would the world hate me? Because I hate e-girls and their aesthetic. Because I get annoyed when I hear people talk about their trauma. Because I'm a close-minded motherfucker. Because I get annoyed/angry when I hear opposing viewpoints like a close-minded motherfucker while everyone else is smart enough to actually be curious about opposing viewpoints. Because I get annoyed at breakcore fans and their aesthetic. Because I hate any "-core" aesthetic. Because I hate aesthetic. Because I get annoyed at "offensive" jokes, while everyone else is relaxed enough to enjoy them. I just KNOW that if they read all this, they'd think "wow this guy is ridiculous lmaoooo" and it's so fucking annoying how they type "lmaooooo" jesus fucking christ shut the hell up.
I'm sorry if I sound incredibly angsty and edgy, but I'm really upset right now. I was driving and I was actually having fun but right after I thought about this one e-girl who makes a bunch of video essays with her annoying thumbnails, I IMMEDIATELY thought about how she actually speaks well and makes informative videos, and I IMMEDIATELY felt like a stupid idiot for it. Just like that, my mood was soured, it plummeted. Her being that way with me being just an angry little guy made me feel lesser and stupid. There is always, always, ALWAYS something to make me feel like a stupid idiot. I said to myself "never think you're safe because you never are."
I then started to ridiculously talk to the "universe" and said things like "fuck you universe for this." I had the weird thought of the universe trying to teach me lessons like acceptance and tolerance, but I wanted to be stubborn and say "screw you, I hate what I want. Is it really so bad to just hate things and certain kinds of people?" I know it sounds stupid and it makes me feel stupid to think that I could think something so superstitious.
It ALL makes me feel like a stupid stupid stupid dumb idiot. Those e-girls? They're all probably smarter than I am, whereas I'm just a dumb kid.
While I was driving, I was playing a lot of Sadness, but I felt like I had no right to enjoy the music because of who I am and what I hate and how I react to things. I wanted to say something like "fuck you, I enjoy what I want" but I just couldn't. I felt defenseless against all of it.
Sometimes I don't like the idea of journaling, it feels like I'm talking to a wall with no one to hear me, and I guess it feels frustrating when no one hears you. At the same time though, I don't wanna broadcast myself to the whole world. Besides, people would just say I'm annoying or stupid or that they don't care. I'm not trying to say they should care, because that sounds stupid and self-centered.