April 28 2023 - 02

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I think I hate myself. I think I hate myself for not being like everyone else. I don't say that like "wow I'm so different from everyone!" no I mean it in the negative way. Everyone loves memes nowadays, I don't. Everyone loves to use the n-word (it doesn't "offend" me, but I think it's dumb), I don't, especially when women use it, which I know sounds incredibly fucking stupid. I just know that if people read this, they'd think "lol what a snowflake/loser/dumbass."

And I guess that's why whenever I hear someone call another person an idiot or dumbass or anything along the lines of that in an online video game, I say "hey, calm down" or something like that. Because I know that feeling like a dumbass is a terrible feeling, it makes you feel lesser than everyone else, it makes you feel worthless and useless to the world. It makes you feel like nobody would like you, but I guess that depends on what you feel like a dumbass for.

It makes you feel like you're not worthy of having a boyfriend or girlfriend, because you think they'll probably realize and say "wow this person is stupid" and leave you for a smarter person. That would fucking destroy me. I wouldn't be surprised if that'd make me feel suicidal, which I'm not at the moment, so I guess that's good.

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Anyways, you wanna know what made me feel like a stupid idiot this morning? Get ready to laugh. Memes like "thug shake." Shit like that. I hate all of it and it makes me feel like a stupid idiot and that the people who enjoy those memes are just smarter.

I guess it makes me feel a little bit better that I have a friend who probably thinks I'm cool. Sometimes I worry if our friendship is decaying, though. Sometimes I worry if he thinks I'm ridiculous, but I guess I should trust him and trust in the fact that he actually responds to me whenever I message him and accepts my requests to play Valorant. We often miss our "appointments" to play Valorant, but oh well.