April 20 2023
Today, I felt stupid - no surprise. Anyways, I didn't have a class session for my public speaking class today, since today is apparently a work day. However, I already got my speech outline finished, I just need to practice it a bit. It's supposed to be an informative speech with sources to cite, and I chose Gnosticism as a topic for my speech. Just the basic beliefs, some of its history and two groups that follow its ideas.
My computer isn't working right now and is being repaired, so now I use my father's computer whenever he isn't using it. I was looking at my website and appreciating its look when my older brother came in and asked if I read the book he gave me. I didn't for the three days since he gave it to me, including the day he gave it to me.
I told him that and immediately he said "it's your life, dude, up to you what you wanna do with it." He clearly sounded disappointed, and I felt really bad. Hell, I came somewhat close to crying (ridiculous, I know), and I probably sound weak for that. I think him saying that has soured everything I may do for the rest of the day. Maybe I should've just lied to him, but he probably would've quizzed me on the book. I guess to him, my entire life is based on whether or not I read a book.
Just got an update from the Blank Banshee discord that DJ Bloody Sunday uploaded a Blank Banshee 0^64 album, a Super Mario parody of Blank Banshee 0. Guess what? My brain couldn't put two and two together to figure out that DJ Bloody Sunday is the same person as Blank Banshee (someone said that they are the same). I wasn't even that excited about it to begin with, since I don't think I'm very happy right now, but are you serious, dude? My brain just had to make things worse by not being able to figure such a simple thing out.
At school, I was thinking about wanting to get cancer so that I could die. Sorry for the dark turn. I thought about getting a terminal illness that would certainly kill me soon.
My dad plans to hand down his landlording business to me. I don't know if I can do that. Sure, it'll make me rich, but I don't know, the idea of being handed that makes me anxious. Maybe it can be a back-up plan, but I feel like describing it as a back-up plan is disrespectful. If college doesn't go well for me, I could just take over for my father or I could be a corrections officer in this state. I'd have to move back home after moving to California. I also saw a job opening for "Assistant Geologist" recently, too. Maybe that could be a back-up option in the future.
Speaking of which, moving to California makes me anxious, too. My brother and father want to live there with the rest of our family, but it all makes me scared for some reason. I don't know how I'll make my credits transfer. I mean I can just talk to a counselor at the community college I chose in California, but still, I'm anxious about it. Makes me hope that they don't transfer, but that means living with my brother here at home while my dad goes to California anyways.
No offense to my brother, but living with him sounds kind of stressful. He's not a bad person, just harsh and critical. I handle it alright, though.
I guess that concludes today's entry. I'll try to do something fun, like add a cool little page to this website.