April 6 2023
I wish a genie could appear in front of me right now. An honest genie. One that doesn’t pull any tricks when you ask for a wish. I say that like it’ll actually happen.
God I feel so stupid. Everyday I feel stupid. Every day I feel like a low IQ person who gets annoyed at others and gets annoyed with certain viewpoints.
I always have to look at others and feel like they’re geniuses or something who easily surpass me in intelligence. I’m obsessed with intelligence but not in a vain way.
I was reading about the afterlife in an article and I read something about how the information in our brains still exists even though there are times when all the atoms in our bodies get replaced. In a way, we’ve all “died” multiple times before. That made me feel tempted to smile a little.
But reading about counterarguments in that article made me annoyed, which made me feel close-minded. Shit, dude. I can't describe how it makes me feel, and it's not a good feeling. Sure, I don't start fuming over opposite views, but I STILL get upset. That's enough to make me feel like a moron. A moron.
And then I have to immediately think about how others would view me if they knew about all this. If they knew about how I react to opposite viewpoints. For some reason I can't say for sure, but I probably lean towards people not liking me.
I have this weird feeling or idea in the back of my head that I am cursed. That there is some entity that's causing me trouble. I get this thought whenever I have annoying issues, like an html page not saving despite me clicking on the save button tons of times. The sound of it makes me feel like a superstitious idiot, which is no surprise.
I must admit, I think I'm a pretty judgemental person. People with hello kitty / sanrio aesthetics... dude. If you like that, go ahead, it's fine. I don't state my judgements about others and hopefully I won't in the future, if anything, I'll just state it to myself. I felt like I wrote "hopefully I won't in the future" simply because it would be expected out of a good person. It's like it's a fake statement.
But anyways, I was looking at other neocities sites and there are a couple of them that have these deep thoughts and writings. How do you people come up with that? Seriously? It's like I can't ever come up with deep stuff, it's like that's all reserved for people with better minds. It's like those people can look at things and dissect them and analyze it all, but I can only ever just look. Just look with no analysis or anything.
Sometimes I daydream of dying / committing suicide and having people discover my website in the future. I'm not suicidal though, not anymore (I used to be passively suicidal). It'd be a bit difficult for them to navigate it since there are few links on this site. I daydream of them making videos on this site that talk about "who this guy was" and them reading my entries. It probably sounds stupid.
I could've been so different. If only things went right back then, if only I avoided it all, I'd still have my long hair. I probably wouldn't have written any of the journal entries on this site. I wouldn't have this buzzcut. I'd enjoy things more. I'd probably feel way less stupid all the time.
My therapist told me to try and put positive spins on journal entries since all my entries sound so negative. I don't know, I guess I'll just say what I'll do to make myself feel better. I'll probably drive, play a game or watch something.