April 5 2023 - 02
I'm telling you dude, there's always something to make me feel like an idiot. Whether it be hating on new slang like "bruh / cap / finna", being annoyed at how people now use skull and crying emojis a ton like ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ðŸ˜ or 💀💀💀.
Or getting annoyed at how unfunny twitter users can be. I don't know, I think I've observed that people on there generally tend to be unfunny, at least in my opinion. Or getting bothered by "aesthetics" like "weirdcore" or any "-core" thing. Where did all this come from? Of course, I could be hypocritical since I like vaporwave. But god, dude, those aesthetics annoy me so much. It's fine if you like them though, so go ahead.
It also doesn't help that I don't really like hearing/seeing slurs, even as jokes. THAT makes me feel dumb. That makes me feel like the ones who use them jokingly are just more intelligent. I don't get angry over them, in fact whenever I hear/see a slur, I quickly forget about it and go on with the day. Perhaps it's not even the slurs themselves, and maybe they just make me think of certain kinds of people? I don't know.
My thoughts are like boomerangs. I throw them out, they circle around and around and they come back and hit me in the face. They make me feel stupid. It also doesn't help whenever I have to re-read things again and mess up with my speech while reciting things as I read them.
Seeing quotes that talk about smart people v.s. stupid people also make me feel pretty bad. I just don't feel like I can place myself in the "smart" category.
I don't know if I'm really interested in things anymore. I want to pursue chemistry but I'm not interested in chemistry enough to actually go look up stuff about it. I used to do that, and I learned some nice things, but I don't feel up to it anymore. I guess I feel like I have no right to do that, or that it's not my place to go learn about it because of how I am, and I think that's because I deep down believe that I am not intelligent.
Things could have easily gone differently. Easily. If only I avoided it, I wouldn't have as many issues. I'd still have my long hair, I'd feel more happier, I'd feel more alive. I'd enjoy things more.
My brother just texted me as I was writing this. It made me feel just a tiny little better to see his name appear on my phone. I think it made me feel less alone.