Tuesday March 26 2024 - 02
"Changing"
I guess I felt like writing another entry.
I was skimming PsychCool's article on independence (check it out here), and I guess some of it stuck out to me because some parts made me feel "challenged." By "challenged," I mean... I guess it was like it was calling me out? I think that parts that applied most to me were:
But the issue is that I feel resistant to change. Like I don't want to. I've felt this resistance to change in the past. I think this resistance made me feel like I'm lobotomized, and there have been times where I've felt lobotomized. I thought "maybe the reason I feel resistant to change, is because I feel like I can't accomplish some things", but that feels like blaming something else. Plus, I could be wrong.
A short while after skimming it and reading the summary, I kinda just sat back in my chair and probably looked miserable in this dimly lit room. I guess I'm not a go-getter... at least not right now (I forced myself to write that last part).
I actually used to eat very well. I used to eat a lot of fruit, a lot. I mean, it couldn't have been unhealthy. Maybe too much fruit? But the point is that I was eating much better. I think I'm slipping up TERRIBLY. Porn addict, starting to eat like shit, hardly going out... I think I feel no desire or need to go out. PsychCool spoke about emotional intelligence too, and I don't feel very up-to-par in emotional intelligence. The solution is to learn tools to work with your emotions, but it's like I don't want to. I know, that sounds bad. Maybe part of me feels like I'm too dumb to learn those emotional tools.
I think I feel like crying for some reason. I just felt kind of worthless. I'm listening to a cover of Barracks Settlement, too, so that might be influencing me, lol. Hey, when I typed out my awareness of the song, I felt less like crying? But now I want to cry. Why would I want to cry? Maybe it's an effort to get some comfort, but I imagine someone can only comfort you for so long before they get tired.
I tried reading up on emotional tools. Reading felt hard. I'm having some thoughts about myself. Some sort of feeling(?) about myself, but I'm not sure what it is. The words "broken" and "dumb" flew around in my head, and at the same time, I think I involuntarily visualized myself, my back turned to the viewer. It was grayscale, too, but the sun was shining. I THINK I involuntarily visualized that. Maybe I kind of did it on purpose. It probably doesn't mean anything, though. The song might be influencing me, too.
When I viewed this entry with all the HTML and CSS, and thought about writing "See you later" at the bottom, I involutarily visualized this one intersection in my city. Barracks Settlement was still playing, and the intersection was empty, and the sky was overcast. I then felt... better? A little bit better? I think it's faded now.
For a moment, part of me didn't want to end this entry. It was as if writing this entry makes me feel like somebody is there with me, somebody listening. Thinking about ending this entry felt kind of cold? So, I guess continuing to write it feels warm? I don't really feel the warmth, I guess it's moreso the absence of that coldness?
Visualizations seem to really bring out feelings. I visualized myself going upstairs to the dining room, except it was gloomy and I was a silhouette. I think I slightly got that cold feeling again.
I was about to write "I guess I'll write down some goals," but I felt that resistance to change. I guess I will force myself anyways:
Maybe that'll do for now.
But I think there's one question: PsychCool said to "escape the void" by becoming obsessed with something you love to the point of insanity. But, how? My hobbies are (in order of how often I do them) dancing, drawing, writing, music, making videos... but I'm not really that invested in them.
Until I get the answer, see ya later?