Tuesday March 26 2024
"Writing Aimlessly"
I was writing my containment fiction article after a long time of not touching it. Started hating on the big tiddy goth girlfriend meme and talking about how annoying it was, but then I thought "okay, I came here to write, not to think about that." Hah. I think for a moment I felt dumb for disliking it, but then again, someone on my profile told me not to hate myself for my dislikes. I think there's... a somewhat negative feeling? Eh, I think I'm overthinking it. Whatever. Bam, right there, I felt unworthy of being twenty for behaving this way (had a birthday recently).
Anyways, writing was going alright, until I felt as if I wasn't really "writing anywhere", like I was doing it aimlessly. Immediately, I thought about my brain, and how me writing aimlessly could be the result of brain changes or damage. For this reason, I suddenly felt a bit down. I was still for a moment. I... thought about a girl helping me? With that feeling?
I think because I felt as if I was writing aimlessly, I felt that I was a bit lesser. That I was lesser for being less skilled at something. I think part of me somewhat felt that I kind of am lesser, compared to all the others here on NeoCities. I thought about how they just seem smarter (yeah we're back to journaling, lol).
Anyways, I got a job recently. Just as a cashier at a restaurant. My coworkers are pretty nice, they've already given me a nickname. I get to play music over the speakers in the dining area, but nothing like death metal or whatever. I just play mainly cornwave and Russian post-punk, and I'd say it fits fine.
Also, as I mentioned before, I turned twenty recently. However, on multiple occasions, I've felt unworthy of being twenty. Like I'm not what a twenty year old should be, or something, I don't know. And me not knowing how to describe how I felt makes me feel that I have low emotional intelligence. Well, I guess it is a sign. Low everything, I guess. Apparently I overthink a lot, too, according to two siblings.
Not sure if I want to continue writing that fiction article. Maybe I'll draw, or something. I sometimes might feel talentless, too. It seems that I can't really make music anymore. Writing, eh... drawing seems to be all I can do. Dancing is meh, I only know jumpstyle basics and maybe some tricks. I tried to learn a few jumpstyle tricks recently, still haven't gotten the hang of them yet.
I haven't felt stupid lately, but I think I thought that that's a bad sign. I wanted to feel stupid, not sure why. Maybe it reassures me that I'm not, since apparently, thinking you're stupid may mean you're not. Plus, I guess feeling stupid makes me feel like I'm in my place.
My therapist also made something interesting for me a while ago. It was a little diagram of the "parts" of me. I asked what the whole idea was, and she said it was "internal family systems." The "parts" of me were the Critical part, the Hopeful part, and the Creative part. She also drew arrows between the parts to show that some interact with others.
The Critical part is not nice, and is, well, critical of myself; "talentless", "your problems aren't as important", "dumb", etc.
The Hopeful part came out when I was in California with my family, and I felt pretty happy there. It was new, I was with my family, my brother was taking me places, and I felt hopeful for the idea of meeting a special someone.
I felt that the Creative part was something different from the rest, like it was "made" of something else. Like it was "supplemental."
There were a few more parts we got down, like the Concerned part, which encompasses things like how I fear for my brain's health. I think Apathetic, too, because lately it seems that I haven't been able to feel as much, or maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it's the Prozac, and I've been taking it for a while now.
See you later?