Tuesday June 11 2024
"Update"
I haven't touched this site since March of this year. I did write only a few journal entries between then and now, though.
Well, recently I've been feeling dumbed down. Just earlier ago, I felt like I had no mind. I felt like I had no thoughts. Yesterday it felt like I lost my self-awareness. I started worrying again about being a judgmental person, and a sex-negative person. I'm pretty sexually conservative, anyways. What I mean by "sex-negative" is being judgmental of others' sex lives (kinks and practices), one's sexual past, and disliking sex work.
At a time, I began to "try" and take steps against being sex-negative, and I think I actually made some progress. Now, I sort of feel like I lost that progress, and that there is no desire to restart. It's sort of like I'm too lobotomized or dumb to care anymore - to care about changing this sex-negativity. It's like there's no will to change, anymore.
I can't feel that stupid anymore. I thought "what if that means I've become so dumb that I don't know I'm dumb?" But I didn't feel concerned over that thought. I don't know why.
I sort of feel like I can't describe myself, anymore. Like I'm... broken? Malfunctioning? I can't describe it. Maybe, like I degenerated. I feel unable to compare myself to others, but I feel like that's because I'm... missing something?
I don't know if I have any words. I can't think anything. A while after I woke up, I thought to myself "maybe it feels like each morning I wake up, I get dumber."
I guess I don't know what's happening. It's as if I just cannot describe myself. Like I'm blank? I don't know. "Lobotomized" is a word I sometimes use.
I still get annoyed at this, or that. Still judgy, maybe? I do not know. I feel unconfident saying this, but I think in the past, I would've been able to call myself "unfun" for that - for being so annoyed. Now, I feel some sort of inability to describe myself.
Would I care if someone showed some compassion for me? Well, right there, I had a subtle thought. The subtle thought that I don't deserve compassion.
I hope I didn't reconcuss myself when I fell on my ass two weeks ago. I felt my head jolt when I landed on the grass. I waved it off as nothing to worry about, but I started getting symptoms - mainly small pains in small areas around my head. My diet started to go to shit after that, so I sort of worried if a shit diet combined with a concussion may have damaged me. I have a doctor's appointment this Friday, so I'll get myself checked out.
I felt just a little bit reluctant to say "see you later," as if I didn't want to leave. But, this entry has to end at some point, so... see you later.
P.S.: For a small moment - and maybe weakly - I felt unenjoyable, or unfun? I guess I don't feel very good about myself. I took a look at other websites, and felt inferior to their authors. Perhaps I felt they were more intellectual, and I'm more... simple. I'm pretty judgmental, too. So judgy of other sites and their authors. I feel just a little bit like crying, for some reason. So judgy.
There's some sort of desire to hate myself, to truly believe that I'm unenjoyable, unpleasant, unfun, close-minded, etc... incapable of being an understanding person. So judgy. So judgy. Of even someone's identity. Feel like I don't mingle with anyone else on NeoCities, not because I'm "unique" or anything, but because I'm so uptight. Like I have a stick up my ass and can't accept others.
Still thinking this is edgy, that is edgy, even though it's only a person in pain. Someone going through something. But, I guess I'm not the most understanding person, and am maybe immature. I think I sort of feel like I can't give compassion because my unfair, harsh judgments of someone would get in the way.
Maybe I feel inferior to those that I judge.