Sunday January 14 2024 - 02
"'Literally Subhuman'"
I don't know why, but I think I hate myself. I think I do know why, but I can't put it into words. I'll just say what lead me to this feeling.
Of course, it's blurry. Of fucking course I'm unable to say it. This whole time I've felt tempted to start crying. It feels stupid to cry because I feel like I have no real reason to. I'm fucking nineteen, almost twenty, and I'm hardly mature. This is all just self-pity. I feel like I'm "that" guy, here on NeoCities. Y'know, that dude...
I may wonder if my entries are the reason why hardly anyone comments here, but maybe it's really because I don't follow anyone. I felt tempted to tie that in to how I'm probably selfish. I mean, I don't really have any desire to help others. I never go out of my way to unless they ask. When they ask, then I feel obligated to. Of course, I don't feel bad about any of this.
A short while before I began writing this, I thought "literally subhuman," with regards to myself. I seem to criticize myself so harshly, and my therapist thinks I judge myself, too, so.
I thought everyone was just better than me. More mature, more emotionally mature, etc... and yet I have no actual drive to improve upon these things. So, I'm a fucking rock just sitting there. Part of my mind is pushing me to just go do stuff, whereas the other wants to just sit here and continue being sad. It's almost like I like being sad.
I thought about how there's no one around here. No one around to comfort me, but it sounds childish to say that. I feel like I'd drive others away from being so negative and pessimistic and self-critical. It's just my father and I in this house, and we hardly speak with each other. I don't know why, but I don't think I feel like crying in front of him. He wouldn't get upset at it, though. I don't know, I guess I don't feel close to him in a very specific way. My mother is half-way across the country, too. My sister only visits on the weekends. So, most of my days are spent by myself, but I never seemed too bothered by it. I think part of me doesn't feel like revealing any of this to anyone except for my sister, and only her.
I feel like I don't know why I'm crying. It's like all the reasons are flying around in my head so quickly that I can't catch them. I can't even say that I hate myself, anymore. I hope it's just the winter season that's making me feel worse. Maybe I say that because I just wanna blame this on something else instead of taking responsibility.
I guess, see you later.