Sunday January 14 2024
"New Year..."
(I fucking OVERWROTE THE DECEMBER 12 2023 ENTRY WITH THIS ONE. I deleted that entry since it was pretty much gone. God fucking DAMN it, I feel like a retard, now. I don't think I can express how idiotic and stupid I feel. There was probably a way to get it back, too, so, stupid me, I guess. This makes me feel like I'm being punished for being a judgemental person. Plus, I feel like if someone saw this, they'd agree with the idea of punishing me for being a judgemental person.)
(I even had trouble added to my changelog while following my own format. I felt like such a fucking TARD dude. Stop making me look like an idiot. Forgot to add linebreaks at first, too, like how I did with this little message. I keep forgetting basic shit like changing the damn tab title. Well, anyways...)
Happy belated New Year! I felt like I didn't deserve to say that with an exclamation point, with energy, but I decided to do it anyways. Yeah, immediately jumping into the feelings. Instead of making a journal entry on January 1 of this year, I daydreamed about it instead.
Well, on December 20 of last year, I got a concussion. I wasn't too sure if I actually had one, so I only suspected it until a doctor said that he thought I suffered one. I actually got it through harming myself, and I feel embarrassed about giving myself a concussion through self-harm.
Almost ever since I got that concussion, I've been eating a diet of fruits, leafy greens, and fish, plus eggs. I've been mainly eating blueberries, strawberries, bananas, oranges, and apples. Spinach, too. Broccoli also, but I stopped for some reason. As for fish, just salmon and sardines, but I've been making sure not to each so much fish since I'm afraid of mercury poisoning. Scrambled eggs, also. I've also been drinking a teaspoon of extra virgin olive oil each morning for omega-9s. I also just recently got some chia seeds for their omega-3s, and I intend to eat maybe a tablespoon per day.
My symptoms at first were just pains in small areas on my head, simply feeling like I might be overstimulated, and sometimes spotty peripheral vision. The small pains are still here but they're less frequent, and I may sometimes simply feel overstimulated at times, but I haven't had any visual symptoms.
I had trouble falling asleep last night, though. Maybe that was because I ate a while before I went to bed, or something. I got worried if it was concussion-related. I think I had trouble staying asleep, too; I think I kept waking up and going back to bed.
Honestly, I can't wait to go back to eating normally. My doctor said he saw no issue with me eating normally now, but I'm still hesitant. I think I'd like to wait until one month has passed since the concussion before eating normally again. I'll still eat what I've been eating for my concussion, though.
Anyways, I'm still being judgemental. I've written about it before... aesthetics, anime profile pictures (even though I have one on discord), etc. But, for anime profile pictures, I think it's not even the profile pictures themselves. Maybe I tend to feel like people with them are more intelligent than I am. But when I try to think about it, my mind gets messy and I can't think, so then I think I'm dumb. It's like I'm too dumb to introspect.
I don't think I enjoy being judgemental, you know. I may imagine others would look down on me for this. Apparently I'm not comfortable with other people's differences and am thus immature, according to some random short. But you know, when I experience these judgy thoughts and feelings, sometimes I actually get frustrated. I may actually get upset. Damn, I don't even know how to end this paragraph, which my brain believes is evidence of low intelligence/brain damage. So obsessed over intelligence but in the low self-esteem way.
I think maybe I want someone to like me (in whatever way) despite this part of me (it sounds hypocritical since I seem to not look past parts of other people). For someone to not hate me for this (also probably hypocritical since I'm asking not to be judged for judging, but it's not like I like judging).
Just seems like everyone is capable of constructing fine arguments and points and thinking very well. Seems like I don't ever do that. Maybe it's because there's not much that I care about enough for me to make arguments for/against.
At first, I tried a technique someone told me to try, which was to notice and label these judgemental thoughts, accept them, and say that I am not my thoughts. My therapist modified that and said to just notice them and say "that's a thought," and continue on. So, I've been trying that. I think it kind of works to make me look at what I would otherwise feel negative towards in a neutral way. I'll probably feel tired or too lazy to continue that in the future and like wanting to just give in and judge (it's like a drug, or the easy way out), but I think I'll be able to keep saying it anyways.
New year, same entries, lol. See ya later.