September 16 2023
Hey there. I haven't written in a while, so, here I am, writing something up. The reason I'm writing this entry is because I feel a little bit ashamed of something I thought and felt. I don't think I should even feel a little bit ashamed, I feel like I should be very ashamed.
I decided to go into a chat room because I was bored. There were already a couple people there. One of them I assumed quite a bit about. I didn't assume specific things, it was more like I made a vague assumption about them. An... e-boy is the best way I can describe it. Man, talking about e-girls and e-boys should make me feel like I'm sixteen and like I'm devolving. I'm pretty sure it did yesterday. Anyways, yeah, I assumed stuff like that about him because he simply said he paints his fingernails. That was it.
Honestly, he seemed like a smart person. Maybe I was just being a fool. Anyways, that's not what I felt ashamed about. There was another guy in the chatroom who we'll call "A", and, long story short, he called the "e-boy" dude all sorts of things. Actually, I don't even clearly remember, but I remember something about telling someone to kill themselves.
And guess how I felt about that...? I felt kind of on A's side, and that had to have been because I already felt some distaste to the "e-boy" person. Afterwards, I realized how I felt, and I felt kind of bad. Kind of? I should feel very bad. I should feel like absolute shit! I want to feel like shit for that, I want to, because then that'll mean I feel guilty. How can I smile while knowing that I felt like being on the side of A, who said those things?
I let my dislikes for e-girls and e-boys or whatever get the better of me. I let those dislikes turn me into a bad person. Those dislikes should simply just be dislikes, not things that turn me into... whatever I was; for some reason I couldn't come up with the right term or word, and that makes me feel dumb. Oh, it seems like I'm close-minded and dumb.
Doesn't this sound familiar? Talking about how I feel stupid. But hey, I don't think I've felt dumb that much in the past week, so I guess that's nice. I think what I felt in that group chat when A said those things is weighing on me a bit right now. I want it to weigh even more, because guilt means you're a good person. Can't it just weigh more on me?
I should probably stop, I think I'm going down a rabbit hole here with my thoughts and feelings. No, I'm okay actually! I just thought about doing something fun and relaxing, but the thought of how I felt in that group chat hit me. It made me feel as if doing something fun and relaxing wouldn't be the same, because anything fun and relaxing would be tainted by how I felt in that group chat.
It's alright, dude, you're fine. Just chill out.
I guess I will end this entry here. See you.
I think it's really weighing down on me, dude. When I went to my profile page, the thought of what I did/felt came back, and I think that made it feel like my head was being compressed on both of my temples. It din't literally feel like my head was being compressed, it was more like a mental sensation, or something? I don't know. Maybe I can spin this around positively and say that it means that I feel remorse for what I thought/felt, which means I'm not a bad person and that I can do better next time.
But I worry if I'll be the same way again. Okay, this is where this entry ends, alright? It's alright, I'm fine. It's fine.