Sunday November 19 2023
"I'm Worried If I'm Toxic"
I saw a Psych2Go video, and I admit, I got a little annoyed at the aesthetic of the video and the sort of "demographic" that views Psych2Go, but I tried to ignore this. It was "7 Types of People You Can't Help." I think sometimes I feel too lazy to help myself. I do. I feel like I got thrown back at square one, I feel like I'm at a low right now. No, I don't mean that I'm at a low, I mean as a person, I'm at a low. I feel like a leech on my dad, living in his house at 19. Maybe it's because classes ended. I think the solution to that would be to get a job. I'll look at some postings and find something I like.
Anyways, I felt like some of the types in the video applied to me. I admit... I got kind of offended at the idea of me being a toxic person. Maybe that means I am a toxic person. However, it feels like I don't truly believe I'm a toxic person, it feels more like I'm just saying that. It feels like the self-awareness I had is gone now. I think I feel like wanting to just curl up in a blanket, sleep all day and escape.
I guess it was like I didn't want to admit that I may be a toxic person. I mean, I think I do tend to dump emotions and thoughts on people. I've done it A LOT with this one friend, and he seems like he puts up with it. I've apologized to him for always having negative conversations with him and tried to make up for it with positive things, like this one video of me jumpstyle dancing.
I stopped writing this entry for a while to apply to some jobs. I applied to two that were the most interesting. Anyways...
Speaking of self-awareness, I tried to think about about why something bothered me. I felt like I was on to something, that I was getting close to a little explanation, but immediately, it was like a brick wall rose up in front of me and stopped me from thinking any further. It was like my mind crashed.
I messaged a Discord friend and asked him if I was a good friend, if there were any points I could improve on. But it doesn't feel like I actually want to improve. It feels like I'm intellectually lazy, like I don't want to change my mind. I think my mind felt "blank," I don't know how else to describe it.
God, it feels like everyone is just better than me, emotionally and mentally. Well, if Psycho-Cybernetics were a person, he'd tell me to say outloud "CANCEL," and to replace what I just said with something positive. As much as I want to just wallow in this self-pity, I'll cancel what I said.
I said outloud: "CANCEL. I can improve. I can be better. I can do it." But it felt hard to say this, it felt like I was lying to myself.
See ya later.