Sunday November 19 2023

"Sudden Emotions"

I suddenly swelled up with emotion and sadness just now. I think I just calmed down a bit, which is weird. It almost feels like it didn't even happen. Well, I got home after buying soup for my dad, who's sick right now. I saw the profile picture of one of my sister's friends on Discord and got annoyed, and that made me feel bad. Of course, I doubt if I actually felt bad. Dude, I think I feel like shit right now, on an off-hand note. My sister's laughing started to annoy me, which I don't think has ever happened before. I think maybe it was because of something else on my mind. I mean, one friend on Discord did show me a drum-and-bass track of theirs that was REALLY good. Maybe it made me feel pretty insecure and that set me up to be annoyed by my sister's laughter? It might sound like armchair psychology.

I warmed up the soup and brought it to my dad's room, and as I left, I felt sad. The lighting of the house was dim and had a slight-blue tint from outside (it's overcast right now, the sky is an unsaturated blue/white). Maybe that made me feel a bit sad.

I sat down with my sister and spoke to her about the annoyance I felt. She said that she thought his profile picture was a joke, to poke fun at people who have those kinds of profile pictures. I know, I know I sound ridiculous mentioning "profile picture," I must sound absolutely childish. At nineteen? A nineteen year old complaining about profile pictures? I don't know, and I don't know if I even care enough to get rid of this habit. I mean, I think I tried to somehow deal with the annoyance I felt, but I doubt that.

I then made a stupid fucking mistake and told my sister about how her laughing kind of annoyed me. I tried to say it without being offensive, but of course, my fucking dumbass didn't think that it'd be hurtful regardless. Now I fucked up the mood between us. I just wanna say "I fucked it up" over and over.

She said "there are some things you just don't tell people," and I think I felt so fucking MORONIC. Why am I this way? What the fuck? Why have I been getting annoyed at nearly everything lately? Have I even been getting annoyed at nearly everything lately? I think I want someone to hug me, but I probably sound ridiculous. I mean, do issues like these even warrant affection from others? Just think about it: guy judges profile pictures/aesthetics/types of girls/etc., and is upset about it. I also tend to have the wrong reactions to things; everyone thinks this of "x" thing, whereas I think something else. And the thoughts I have instead are the wrong ones.

Just before I started writing this entry, I wanted to say that I don't like myself. I even searched "i don't like myself" on Google, for some reason. I guess I was venting to Google, or something.
I guess I just don't know when my emotions make others feel uncomfortable. I think I only feel "half" bad for that, do I? I should feel fully bad for it. It was actually this fifteen year-old on Discord that I'm about to collab and make a song with, must be quite an emotionally mature fifteen year old... or maybe I say that because I'm ignorant. I think I suddenly became a mess, dude. I think I WANT to think that way, to truly believe that I am the only one who can truly help myself.

I'd like to go back upstairs and sit with my sister, but I think I screwed up the mood. I'm pretty sure I'd feel awkward if I tried to go back and spend time with her. She forgave me, but still.


For some reason, I don't like it when people say "you" have to help yourself, or something. I probably sound lazy doing that, like I don't want to work on myself. I don't think I know where I am, right now. I'm not sure what's happening to me, it feels like I am in another place now.

Honestly, I think it's fucking porn, dude. I don't know, maybe? I've been trying to quit and holy shit it's not easy. I'll use the visualization technique in Psycho-Cybernetics to combat this... addiction. Unfortunately, I think it's an addiction. I'll visualize myself sitting alone with my hand drifting towards... y'know... before immediately snapping my hand up into the air. I'll have such visualizations for ten minutes each day, since that's what's recommended in Psycho-Cybernetics.

I don't know if pornography is really causing me to spiral downwards, but we'll see. Once I stomp that shit out and get rid of it, hopefully I'll get better. I feel like pornography is maybe correlated with this new mental state I'm in. We'll see, and hopefully it'll be better once I get that shit out of here. Plus, my discipline has been REALLY slipping. I've been skipping on reading Psycho-Cybernetics, and I kind of stopped meditating. It's like I'm sixteen again, but in the bad way. I guess I can kind of see how pornography can screw up your discipline. I guess that's it; no porn. Forever. Done. I might even write down this goal, since I think writing down what you want to do will make you more likely to actually do it. I'll write it right now.

I wrote it on a piece of paper: "I, [Cyber Center], will quit pornography and masturbation for good. [They are] no longer a part of my life, and never will be again. Porn / masturbation do not exist to me anymore."


Anyways... I don't know if I'm ready for a relationship. I kind of want a girlfriend, but with whatever's going on in my head, I think I'm gonna have to postpone seeking a relationship. I don't want to, but it's probably a good idea. It kind of hurts a little bit to know that you must be mentally healthy if you want to have a loving relationship with someone, but I guess there's no other choice. My brain can't even understand why it wouldn't be a good idea for a mentally unwell person to be in a relationship, but I feel like people consider it to be a bad idea.

I think part of me does want to enjoy what other people on this site enjoy. But I don't want to enjoy the things they enjoy themselves, I think part of me just wants to look at their stuff/designs/aesthetics and say "hey, that's pretty cool." But, I think part of me doesn't want to budge or change. I have doubts about myself when it comes to these kinds of things.

See ya later.