Monday December 11 2023
"Fell Off / Same-old Same-old"
I fell off very badly, recently. I became worried I was a pedophile, but I think that worry has faded away. I isolated myself for nearly a whole week because of that, and that probably hurt me. It sounds bad, but I also spoke to a fifteen year old on Discord, and we exchanged our songs. We were going to collab and make an album, but I cut them off because I learned it was probably better for a fiteen year old and a nineteen year old not to talk to each other. I wasn't flirting or anything, it was all completely normal.
But, one of the issues was that I felt a bit attracted. To a fifteen year old. I daydreamed of them liking me, but I don't think I daydreamed myself reciprocating and liking them back. I was told by a counselor that it can be normal to feel that way, but it's not appropriate to pursue them. I had to be told that. I wan't to say "wouldn't you think that any normal person would've already known that?" But I felt that saying that would be manipulative; to save my image and make myself aware, when I may not be.
A friend of mine assured me that a lot of the thoughts I was worried about were normal. I got a bit worried if I wouldn't grow out of being attracted to girls in that age range. For some reason, I have a fixation on teenagers and maybe high school. I don't know why, but I've been kind of trying to force my attention away from teenagers. If I see some of them, I might tell myself not to worry about them.
My diet went to shit and I stopped exercising. I still haven't really gotten back to exercising, and my diet is still fairly bad, but I've been re-integrating some healthier stuff.
When I say "I think," it means that I'm doubting my thoughts/feelings a bit. Like "maybe that's what I believe/think/feel, maybe not."
But I stopped a lot of my good habits. Meditating, gratitude, reading, etc. I'll have to get back on them, but I'll probably have to start small. I think I feel like I'm lazy to do that, or weak to do that? But "weak" sounds like an excuse. Saying I feel "weak" to start again sounds like I'm throwing in the towel, whereas saying I'm "lazy" to start again sounds more self-aware.
I also haven't drawn in a long time. I also haven't made music in a bit, but I tend to not make music a lot, anymore. I think I tend to have short bursts of productivity when it comes to making music - I make a few nice tracks, then I stop producing for a while.
Something I did long ago also started to hang over my head, recently. I hurt someone close to me four years ago, when I was fifteen. When what I did dawned on me, it felt like I didn't feel as guilty as I should've felt. Like I was supposed to be feeling more guilt. I've actually hurt several people in the past, repeatedly. They all forgave me and I'm on good terms with all of them. But one of them isn't here anymore, which means I can't talk to them about what I did to them. They died naturally.
I think I'm supposed to be feeling like an outcast, for these deeds I've done. Like everyone else is above me, morally. I think I'm starting to feel that, now. That feeling appeared and felt a bit heavy, but I think it just faded.
Yesterday, I ranted to myself about how I seem to struggle with empathy. I guess I felt inferior because of that. I was very upset yesterday morning. I felt sad, angry, and I laughed.
I wouldn't say I felt happy today, maybe "okay." But, I feel like I want to say I haven't felt great today. But it's like I want to say that to garner sympathy?
I've probably written a good amount on how I tend to get annoyed at "aesthetics." I feel kind of ridiculous whenever I use that word "aesthetic" when complaining about "aesthetics." Well, you know the whole breakcore aesthetic? Look, I think breakcore is pretty cool, I like the breaks. But just the stereotypes I've made of people like Sewerslvt fans, for example. The "typical" fan (in my head) bothers me. As people, they don't bother me.
My thoughts on this feel kind of foggy, I think. Like they're blurred? Like I calmed down about them, but to the point where I've kind of forgotten them.
Well, I think my lack of enjoyment for almost anything on the internet makes me feel like I'm not "with" everyone else. Like I'm not part of the crowd. Like I'm outside. Does it? See? I think I doubt my thoughts, and I even doubted that doubt! I literally wrote "I think I doubt my thoughts."
I guess I'm a very negative person. It's like I hate everything on the internet. It's like I have a stick up my ass all the time. I've been told by another friend that I shouldn't care so much and that I'm allowed to dislike things, but I guess I don't believe that. And I think I sometimes feel like others wouldn't like me for this part of me. It's like I hate EVERYTHING on the internet. -core aesthetics, all that. I know I sound insane saying stuff like that, or something. Even video essays. I guess video essays make me feel dumb.
While I was driving just recently, I thought about finally enjoying all those things and being more light-hearted about them, but whenever I thought that, it'd feel like something would pull me back. It was like tug-of-war in my head. "Maybe I can enjoy those things." "No, don't change! Stay this way!" Like that, you know? I tried to think, "Dude, screw off. Let go," and I visualized myself slapping away another person's hand that was holding onto my arm. I don't think it worked too well to change my attitude towards those things that bother me.
But I think I feel like I don't want to change. Like I have no willingness to change or improve myself. I know that sounds bad, I know that would put people off. I think I feel like others would look down on me for that. But saying all that sounds manipulative, or I'm just worried I manipulate people to get the reactions I want by saying certain things. To try and be all "Woe is me, sympathize with me."
I don't know how I feel, but I feel like I kind of know? I don't know. I think I don't feel the best, though. Like I want a hug, but I don't? But when I say I don't, it's not like I don't want to be hugged, it's more like the desire to be hugged is... halved? Like a "half-thought?" I've used that phrase before to describe my thoughts. I even said it today: "my thoughts are like fractions." And whenever I describe something in my mind - a thought, or a feeling - like how I just did, I end up feeling like the whole description was fake, or not genuine. Like it was inaccurate?
I did find a pretty good song by Sewerslvt and drove while listening to it. "self destruction worldwide broadcast."
Is it common among some people to daydream of others hearing your pain? That's another thing: I tend to feel like my upset feelings aren't as important. I think I feel like they're not as important because they're coming from a ridiculous place, which is getting upset over aesthetics/breakcore-anime aesthetics/etc. Look, even just reading that makes me feel like it's just trivial. I think I can easily imagine someone looking at me and thinking I'm being ridiculous, or something. I don't think I can repeat myself enough on that.
And you know what's funny/ironic? I USE THAT KIND OF AESTHETIC! For my SoundCloud tracks! Or something like that aesthetic. Well, I would use it.
I still feel somewhat like repeating how ridiculous the feelings/annoyances are.
This turned out to be very long. I think therapist told me that I spend a lot of time in my head. I think I even felt that yesterday, but I wondered how I was going to step out of my head.
Well, what's something good that happened today? I had a nice night-drive and blasted music, I guess that's one. I think that's it. Wow. Haha. I think the events of today were mostly neutral. My math class this morning however made me frustrated with myself, though. I even wondered if a girl would love me despite my struggles with math. That was probably a huge leap in thought. Also, I gotta fucking quit porn dude. I'll write out that goal again, since it actually kind of made it easier to fight the urges.
Well, I don't think I have anything else to write. I'll try to make the rest of tonight at least a little bit nice. I think I felt something, something kind of sad, but I don't think I'm sure. It was very blurry? Blurry as in, hard to describe? I think I despise myself.
I gotta end this entry soon enough, you know? I've written so much here, so much. So, I'll stop here. I don't feel like saying "See ya later," because I feel like because of the person I am/might be, I don't have much of a right to act cool. So, I guess I'll just stop here.